


Snow Roy and the Seven Sins

by healingqilin



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempt at Humor, Comedy, Crack, Genderbending, Out of Character, References to Catholic Religion, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 02:51:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7959445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/healingqilin/pseuds/healingqilin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snow White Roy Mustang goes missing one morning and the seven homunculi have to find her. But can they succeed in their rescue mission without being held back by the very sins they represent?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snow Roy and the Seven Sins

**Author's Note:**

> This crack fic was based on a skit we had to do as part of our culminating activity for our Christian Life class back 2011 (my senior year of high school). Most of the lines were extracted from the actual lines from our script. There’s gonna be some religious terms mentioned here and there (it was a skit for a Christian Life class anyway), so I hope you guys don’t mind. You’re all free to google the terms too (coz I’m not in the mood to explain them on my own). Hope you enjoy! :)  
> Pardon the errors I may have done here. I didn’t really check this piece that much. *sweats*  
> I made this a genderbent!Roy/Lust/secret character & major OOC fic for the lulz. Envy is still Envy though. I’ll be using “they/them” for Envy. :D  
> (Also, Yya, if you happen to stumble upon this, well...haha.) ^u^

Deep in the forests of Amestris lived seven homunculi whose job was to collect philosopher’s stones in a nearby mine. As they mined for the elusive red stones of immortality, they sang together to make their job as little less stressful (they weren’t getting paid enough to do it).

_We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the whole day through_

_To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do_

The homunculi worked as hard they could, all except for Sloth who lifted his pickaxe once and never lifted it up again. Gluttony never used a pickaxe to mine the stones, preferring to eat the rocks and dirt instead, occasionally using a ladle just to make things different from time to time. Lust and Envy mined together in one spot a little farther away from the others. Greed, who was mining in a spot beside Wrath, noticed that Wrath’s area glowed a brighter red and decided to mine there, causing Wrath to lash at him with his swords, which he used to get the philosopher’s stones out from the crevices. Pride, despite being in a dusty, dirty old mine, stayed clean and pristine all while picking out stones using his stainless steel shovel.

None of them owned any time-telling device, so none of them knew when it was already dark out. Fortunately, they knew someone who would, thanks to her silver pocket watch.

“Oh, homunculi! Time for supper!” a shrill feminine voice pierced through the darkness of the mine.

Whenever they would hear that sweet, high-pitched voice, the homunculi would immediately stop working and head on back home in a single file with Sloth leading them (he was the first one out for some reason). Again, they sang together.

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

_It's home from work we go_ (Envy always whistles at this part.)

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

Snow White Roy Mustang, who was lovingly called Snow Roy by the homunculi, met them at the door of their house. One by one, they gave their work tools for the princess to store away.

“I’m soooooo sleepyyyyyyy…” Sloth yawned.

“I’m so hungry!” Gluttony cried out.

“Stones! So pretty and they’re all mine!” Greed said.

“Wrath got no stones!” Wrath growled.

“Why am I so perfect?” Pride asked, not really expecting a reply.

“I wish I could be perfect.” Envy muttered.

“Snow Roooooy…” Lust moaned.

“Go sit with the others now, Lust.” Snow Roy pushed him away gently.

“Let’s sleep together after supper…”

“Go on now!” Her voice got much higher than usual as she pushed Lust towards the dining table.

“Snow Rooooooy,” Sloth called out from the dining room. “It’s so cooooooold.”

The princess raised her gloved hand and snapped at the direction of the fireplace. The room glowed orange with the light of the flame.

After having their supper, Snow Roy wished the seven a good night and proceeded to her room. Before she could even close the door, Lust followed her inside and onto her bed. Snow Roy didn’t bother to send him out anymore as the now topless homunculi fell fast asleep, pulling Snow Roy’s pillow close to him.

 

 

The next day, Snow Roy woke up before the sun rose as usual to accomplish her daily chores. She went outside to get a whiff of the fresh early morning air.

“Oh, what a beautiful day!” she said. “Everything’s in harmony. It must be because of Eternal Law!”

Snow Roy sang like any Disney princess would as she did her chores outside the house. Her trilling voice brought forth the forest animals towards her. The creatures big and small followed her around the perimeter of the house and chirped and yelped along to her singing. The morning was peaceful indeed, if only Snow Roy hadn’t gone to the nearby well to fetch some water. The lovely whistle-like singing changed to shrieks of fear when the princess was engulfed in a large dark shadow. The animals ran and left the area quickly after Snow Roy disappeared. The only sounds left in the forest near the homunculi’s house were rustling leaves and an eerie cackle fading into the distance.

“What was that sound?” asked Gluttony, startled awake. “It sounded like someone screaming.”

Lust, who strangely found himself back in the homunculi’s’ quarters, gasped. “Maybe it was…”

“SNOW ROY!” the rest cried.

The homunculi scrambled around the inside of the house, starting with Snow Roy’s room. When they noticed that it was empty, they searched again. The house had no other sign of life aside from the seven’s. Envy ran outside the house to check if Snow Roy was there. Sadly, all they found was a sheet of parchment.

“Guys, look! It’s a—“

“A ransom note!” Pride swiftly snatched the paper from Envy. “Stand aside, lowly subjects. I’ll take over this.” He read the note with confidence and clarity but also quickly losing it due to the god-awful spelling, apart from the last line.

_“Direst Homunculis, ‘sup? Dis is da witch. I stol ur pwinses ROFLMAOHAHAHAHALOL I r planning her eat fayk philisopur ston… XDDDDD Save her or else.”_

“Oh my Father! Snow Roy was kidnapped! We have to save her!”

“Wwwhhhaaaaaatttt…?” Sloth groaned ever so slowly. “Do we haaaaaaave to go noooooowwww…? It’s still soooooooo early in the moooooorning.”

“HOMUNCULI SAVE SNOW ROY! YOU LAZY SLOTH—“ Wrath raged upon poor sleepy Sloth and the other homunculi had to pull him away.

“I caaaaaaan’t help it,” Sloth whined. “My bodyyyyyyy is not listening to meeeeee. It’s an act of maaaaaaaaan.”

“YOU DO HUMAN ACT? WRATH SLASH AND SMASH SLOTH!” Wrath lunged at Sloth, his fist ready to punch, but he was once again stopped by the other homunculi.

When everyone was settled, Pride faced Sloth. “Snow Roy could be in danger! We have to save her.”

“Too…slee…py…” Sloth mumbled. “Just go on…without…meeeeee…” The gargantuan homunculus staggered back inside the house and into the homunculi’s bedroom.

Pride grunted. “Oh well, forget about him. My brilliance is enough to take on the witch.”

“At least he gets to sleep again,” Envy growled. “He’s not the only one who—“

“Enough with your mindless blabbers!” Pride interjected. “Let’s go!”

 

 

The six homunculi followed Pride into the forest in search of the princess Snow Roy. Together, they sang.

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

_To save Snow Roy we go_

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

As they ventured deeper, they came across a picnic area. There was a blanket on the ground with sandwiches and drinks. On the blanket was also a picnic basket filled with more food. The homunculi looked at all directions. No one else seemed to be around.

“Woah! Look at all this food!” Gluttony squealed. “These look more appetizing than the food Snow Roy makes for us.”

The plump homunculus grabbed several sandwiches and stuffed them in his mouth. The other five looked at him questionably.

“Wait, those might belong to some people…” Lust said.

“Well, they aren’t here, are they? We shouldn’t let all this good food go to waste.” Gluttony chomped down on another sandwich.

“But Snow Roy might be in trouble.” Pride attempted to stop his fellow homunculus. “We can’t just stay here and eat.”

“But I’m hungry!” complained Gluttony. “And we haven’t eaten breakfast yet. Breakfast _is_ the most important meal of the day, you know. It can…” he paused to chug down a jug of lemonade, “…give us more energy to fight the witch!”

“YOU GLUTTON! YOU SWINE! WRATH SLASH AND SMASH GLUTTONY!”

Lust, Envy, and Greed pulled Wrath away from Gluttony before he could land a punch him.

“I don’t care what you think of me!” Gluttony yelled, prompting Wrath to attack again. Lust, Envy, and Greed were fast enough to keep him from doing so. “I am going to eat all this food and I am not stopping until I’m done!”

Gluttony knelt on the picnic blanket and continued stuffing himself with the food. The other homunculi sighed in disbelief.

“Oh well, forget about him.” Pride told the rest. “My magnificence is enough to take on the witch.”

“At least he gets to eat breakfast.” Envy grumbled. “He’s not the only one who’s hungry too, you know.”

“Stop talking! Let’s go, troops,” ordered the tiny but terrible homunculus.

 

 

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

_To save Snow Roy we go_

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

The five remaining homunculi ventured farther and farther away from their home. They eventually ended up at a fork in the road and saw a sign pointing to the two directions: the witch’s Castle to the east, and another philosopher’s stone mine to the west.

“Plebeians! We’re getting closer.” Pride exclaimed. “Snow Roy is this way.” He pointed to the road to the east.

“Hold on a minute,” said Greed. “Do you see what I see? There’s a philosopher’s stone mine! More precious red stones of immortality! Let’s go—“

“Wait, wait!” Pride grabbed hold of Greed’s wrist. “We have to save Snow Roy. She’s this way.” He pulled him to the other direction, but Greed escaped from the other homunculus’ grasp.

“No, we don’t.” Greed glared at Pride with his shifty gaze.

“Are you saying that the philosopher’s stones are more important than Snow Roy?” Pride questioned him.

“Yes. Yes, they are.” Greed said casually.

“YOU GREEDY! YOU SELFISH!” Lust and Envy dragged Wrath away before he could even go near Greed. They dragged him a few more meters away just to make sure he wouldn’t get the chance to hit the avaricious homunculus.

“Go ahead and save your Snow Roy,” Greed picked up the conveniently placed pickaxe by the side of the road. “In the end, I’ll be one with more money, power, women, and fame! I’ll be so immortal that nothing, nothing at all will destroy me!” He laughed boisterously, like the trying-hard villain that he was.

“Oh well, forget about him. My splendor is enough to take on the witch.” Pride said.

“At least he’ll be more powerful and more immortal,” sighed Envy. “He’s not the only one who’s tired, hungry, and now slowly becoming _mortal_.”

“Silence! Let’s go onward.” Pride commanded.

 

 

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

_To save Snow Roy we go_

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

The four homunculi got deeper and deeper into the forest as they got closer and closer to the witch’s castle. The path to the castle was strangely dark that morning, but they pursued nonetheless. They were in a boggy swamp with muddy streams and vines everywhere. It was so difficult to pass through that the tallest remaining homunculus, Wrath, slipped and fell in a mud puddle and got tangled in the mess of vines in the process.

“WRATH WET-Y AND MUDDY!” Wrath roared. “LUST FAULT! WRATH SLASH AND SMASH LUST!”

“You tripped on your own!” Lust shot back and took a step to the side to avoid the _wrath_ of Wrath. Luckily for Lust, Wrath was trapped by the vines and kept slipping in the mud as he tried to stand up.

“NO LUST WANT WRATH DOWN! WRATH SLASH AND SMASH LUST!”

“Calm down!” Lust yelled.

“Use your swords to cut the vines!” Envy told him.

“WRATH NO CALM DOWN! HOMUNCULI LET SNOW ROY KIDNAPPED! WRATH SLASH AND SMASH HOMUNCULI!”

Pride finally stepped in to help. “It’s okay! That’s why we’ll save her together.”

“NO HOMUNCULI LEAVE WRATH ALONE!”

“But we have to—“

“FIST TALK!” Wrath turned his back on Pride and raised his clenched fist in front of the little homunculus.

“Oh well, forget about him. My grandeur is enough to take on the witch.” Pride said once more.

“At least he…” Envy wanted to continue, but spotted the fiery stare of the tiny homunculus beside them.

“Stop it.” Pride told them. “Let’s go.”

 

 

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

_To save Snow Roy we go_

_Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho_

Finally at long last, the turrets of the witch’s castle came into view. The three homunculi ran out of the forest until they reached a small grassy field, away from any more trees. They all smiled when they saw that the castle was a lot closer than they expected.

“We’re here! It’s the castle!” Pride knelt down in victory, though he clearly knew the search wasn’t over yet. He jolted back up when the prickly feeling of the grass blades tickled his bare knees. “Now, uhm, you two stay out here. I’ll handle this.”

“Wha—what do you mean?” Envy stopped Pride.

“Well, you see, you guys can’t save Snow Roy.” Pride explained. “I am, after all, brave, strong, intelligent, talented... And I am, after all, the hero of this story.”

Envy couldn’t take it anymore. They lashed at Pride. “Since we began this journey, you’ve been boastful, arrogant, and so bossy. You’re not the only one who could lead, you know!”

Pride fought back. “Look who’s talking! You’ve been jealous of all the other homunculi we left behind.”

“You’re just a big slob with an even bigger ego! You’re all about _pride_!”

“Well, maybe it’s because you’re _envious_!”

“That’s because that’s my name! I’m Envy!”

“And I’m Pride! What can I do about it?”

The two homunculi argued and threw various expletives at each other. Lust, who was merely a witness to this spectacle, didn’t even think to break the two apart. He walked away from them slowly.

“I’m going to save Snow Roy now. Bye…”

 

 

All alone with no one to help, Lust entered the castle to find and rescue Snow Roy.  The castle was dim inside with most of the windows curtained to keep the sunlight from coming in. It was also very quiet and very empty.

“Snow Roy? Snow Roy, where are you? I’m here to save you!” Lust’s voice echoed through the castle hallways.

“You came right on time, baby…” a sultry voice was heard from the shadows.

The person who owned the voice came out and walked seductively towards Lust.

The homunculus gasped. “It’s you! The witch!” He stepped back as the witch moved closer. “I—I’m not scared of you!”

“You don’t have to be afraid, darling,” said the witch. “’Cause I’m here to make you _happy_.” A sly smirk formed on her lips.

Out of nowhere, sexy saxophone music played where they stood. The witch took off her long black robe swiftly, letting it drop to the floor and displaying her curvaceous body in a very revealing black lingerie top. She placed her hands on her hips as Lust eyed her lasciviously. The homunculus launched himself at her and hugged her tightly. The force pushed both of them down to the cold marble floor, but that didn’t stop either of them from continuing their foreplay. Lust had completely forgotten about the dear princess Snow Roy, and dove deeper into the witch’s seductive manipulations.

 

 

The seven homunculi were all separated from one another in different parts of the forest. As they either enjoyed in their newfound success or dwelled in their shallow problems, a voice echoed in their heads.

_Homunculi…_

None of them appeared to have cared for the voice.

_Homunculi!_

“Who is that?” they all asked.

_It is I! Your Father! Also known as your conscience!_

“My conscience?”

_That’s right. I’m your conscience. I’m here to help you become free once again._

“I don’t know about you, but as you can see, I’m as free as I can get,” said Greed, showing off his pile of philosopher’s stones to the unseen force.

_No, you are not free! You’re under the slavery of sin. Your sins are the obstacles that stop you from becoming who you really are: free-loving homunculi out to save Snow Roy. You have to break free!_

None of the homunculi dared say anything or move from where they were.

_I said…you have to break…FREE!_

“Alright, alright!”

And just like that, the seven homunculi escaped from the things that pulled them apart from one another and kept them from moving forward. Those who were left behind near the house and in the forest rushed to the castle to meet up with the others. When they finally regrouped they shared a group hug.

“That Father Conscience guy is right,” said Pride. “We have to stop this!”

With the strength of the homunculi’s willpower, their respective sins vanished from their souls. They quickly surrounded the witch to keep her from running away.

“Give it up, witch! We’re free from our sins!” Envy told her.

“Yeah! I’ve got the power to save Snow Roy!” Sloth said, now more energetic than ever.

Gluttony handed over all the food he had left to the witch. “Here, take this. Take it all. Just tell us where Snow Roy is.”

“Forget about the food!” Greed interrupted. “I have these powerful philosopher’s stones, and I’ll give them all to you. Just tell us where Snow Roy is.”

“Wrath no slash and smash witch,” said Wrath softly. “Snow Roy where?”

Pride stepped forward and lowered himself in front of the witch. “Oh great witch, I kneel before thee. Just tell us where Snow Roy is.”

The witch didn’t say a word, but instead sauntered closer to Lust who seemed to be wary of her motives. “What if I told you that I wanted you, Lust?” she said seductively and held his hand. Lust swatted the witch’s hand away and partly hid himself behind Envy, not making eye contact.

“Et tu, Lust?” wept the witch.

“No, I won’t be blinded by your,” Lust gulped the growing lump in his throat and looked away, “sexy body…”

“Then fall, witch…” The witch fell to the ground in a theatrical fashion. Thinking that she was really going to faint, the homunculi panicked and tried to wake her up.

“WAIT WHERE’S SNOW ROY??”

“I’m heeeeeeere!” said a very familiar high-pitched voice.

The homunculi looked behind them and saw their dear princess, safe and unscathed.

“Snow Roy!” they gathered around her and gave her a tight hug.

“I thought you were dead!” exclaimed Greed.

Wrath breathed a sigh of relief. “Snow Roy okay!”

“You were not given the fake philosopher’s stones?” asked Lust.

“We thought you were in the dungeon…or something.” Pride said.

Snow Roy smiled at her seven homunculi. “Well, no, actually, that’s not really the witch.” She pointed at the figure still dramatically lying down on the ground. “She’s actually…”

Rays of rainbow light, yellow sparkles, and glittery pink smoke appeared suddenly and engulfed the witch’s “unconscious” body. By some unseen force that wasn’t Father Conscience, the witch was lifted up and twirled around in midair. Her black lingerie was replaced by crisp white button-down shirt, and she wore slacks this time. A bright light in the shape of straight line formed near her right leg, and from it, a sabre materialized. Her bare feet were covered in leather boots in mint condition. The witch’s freaky ice blue eyes then changed to a warm chocolate brown. Lastly, her long dark hair shortened and lightened up to a sunshine-y shade of blonde. The rainbow light rays, sparkles, and smoke soon dissipated and revealed a dashing young man in front of the homunculi.

This brand new person faced Snow Roy and with his badass baritone voice, sang a passionate song. Snow Roy promptly blushed.

_I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss…_

“I am Prince Riza!” the young man spread his arms wide, presenting himself to his audience.

When the realization finally hit them, the homunculi outraged. Gluttony was the first to speak out. “The witch is a prince?”

“THE WITCH IS A MAN???” a furious Lust was held back by Pride and Envy.

“Why Snow Roy trick homunculi?” wondered Wrath.

Snow Roy hummed. “Actually, Prince Riza and I planned all this. The truth is…”

 

 

_NECESSARY FLASHBACK SEQUENCE_

The day before everyone ended up in this strange turn of events, Snow Roy and Prince Riza met somewhere in the forest while the homunculi were busy in the mines.

“Oh, my Snow Roy! We’re together at last!” Prince Riza held his princess’ hands tightly in his.

“My prince!”

“Now, let’s go to my castle and live happily ever aft—”

“Wait!” Snow Roy let go of his hand. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Oh, right. The castle’s far, so let’s take the horse.”

“No, silly prince! Our wedding.”

The prince scoffed. “A wedding?” he laughed at the idea his princess had. Really? A wedding? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Prince Riza laughter died down the longer Snow Roy stared at him.

“Wait, you’re serious?”

“Of course I’m serious!” Snow Roy shrieked. “We need to get married first before we live happily ever after and do… _happy stuff_.”

“If you’re worried about the law, then that’s okay,” assured Prince Riza. “That’s ‘cause I’m the prince. I can change it to suit our _needs_.”

“I’m not talking about the civil law.” Snow Roy crossed her arms. “I’m talking about the ecclesiastical law.”

Prince Riza’s jaw dropped.

The princess continued. “It’s the law that tells us to get married first before doing… _happy stuff_.”

Prince Riza laughed a second time. “What are you, medieval or something?”

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

“Well, if you want to get married, we can have the wedding right now.” He held the princess’ hand again.

“No, I won’t make it that easy for you,” said Snow Roy, but she didn’t let go this time. “You have to help all the seven homunculi.”

“The homunculi? What’s wrong with them?”

Snow Roy sighed. “They’re messed up. They need to be free from their sins.”

“I see. Don’t worry, my princess. I know exactly what to do.”

_END OF NECESSARY FLASHBACK SEQUENCE_

 

 

“And that’s what happened.” Snow Roy concluded.

“So you did that for our sake? Envy asked.

Snow Roy and Prince Riza smiled and nodded. The prince spoke. “Yup, that’s right. Now the question is, did it work?”

“Uh, I think it did.” Pride replied.

“Yes, I do feel free from my sins.” Lust said. “I think that I really have become a free-loving… _person_.”

“Excellent! Now, Snow Roy…” Prince Riza knelt down on one knee in front of his princess. “Will you marry me?”

Snow Roy answered by gently placing her hand in her prince’s palm with the brightest smile Riza and the homunculi have ever since on the princess’ face. The couple headed to the gardens where wedding preparations were already taking place. Now free-loving beings, the seven homunculi followed the royal couple there. And so Princess Snow Roy and Prince Riza lived happily ever after…

…and did _happy stuff_.

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really should be updating my other /serious/ FMA fic, Royals of Kunlun (please do read it!). But instead I wrote this. -.-
> 
> If you have any questions (the fic has some loopholes/inconsistencies, I know), feel free to ask! ^u^


End file.
